From Downton Abbey to Kirstie's crafts … the New Boring is everywhere

It's now clear why Julian Fellowes was made a Tory life peer last year: for services he was about to render to the Conservative-led coalition in stupefying a nation with some of the most unprofitable questions ever posed by a prime-time British drama. Will Downton Abbey's eligible girls (Snooty, Pouty and Dowdy) ever find true love? Will Bates ever be free of his barmy ex, even though she is, in fact, dead? Are Fish Face and Evil Smoking Guy for real?

And now along comes news of the Downton Christmas special, which will fill our mental in-trays with more insufferable imponderables. Apparently, the special will introduce a new character called Lord Hepworth, played by veteran roué Nigel Havers. The Countess of Grantham (Dame Maggie Smith) will have to decide whether he's most suitable for Lady Mary, Lady Edith or Lady Sibyl. But hold on. Aren't two of them already spoken for? And anyway, isn't Havers old enough to have fathered their father? Is this a Woody Allen wish-fulfilment drama now? See, already I've been suckered into caring about a backward-looking potboiler that should be beneath my contempt.    More Read